Dear Quentin,
I am married and have been in the same relationship for a number of years. We have both been single parents from prior relationships. Considering our age gap, he is much more successful in life as a sole proprietor. He is more than a decade older than me. He talked about a prenuptial agreement during our relationship, but he did not spring it on me until three days prior to our wedding day.
We discussed nothing as to what would go into the agreement. I was severely depressed and cried uncontrollably for days. Even reliving this is causing heartache. I consulted with my attorney but decided to sign it rather than not go through with the wedding. For several years, I asked for a copy and he couldn’t find it. When I finally had enough, I found it in his office and made myself a copy.
“ ‘I’m angry at myself now because there are provisions I would have included had I had more time to think about it.’ ”
I still don’t fully understand what happened, and I’m angry at myself now because there are provisions I would have included had I had more time to think about it. My parents will be willing me a home and a nice considerable amount of cash. I’m not in his will, there is no life-insurance policy, and I’m not listed on the deed of the second vacation home “we” bought before we married, but he wants to say how everything is ours.
Technically, it isn’t. Now that I am about to start my own venture, which may be lucrative (potentially six figures a year), I want to amend the prenuptial agreement. In a way, I want to hurt him the same way he hurt me. It’s caused a lot of resentment on my end as I feel he never trusted me, although I have never asked him for anything. If he dies tomorrow, what is going to happen to me?
Should I amend the prenuptial agreement? Is it possible that the current prenuptial agreement is null and void?
Postnuptial State of Mind
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Dear Postnuptial,
You should know what’s in your own prenuptial agreement, given that it’s a legal document you both signed. I don’t understand why you did not have a copy when you originally signed the document, and why you didn’t actively insist on a discussion. With the help of your lawyer, that was your job to make sure that happened. You had the choice to call off the wedding and/or sit down and read every page. I’m not saying this to be provocative, but to remind you that taking responsibility for this sequence of events is more constructive than taking umbrage at your husband.
But let’s be very clear: Three days’ notice of a prenuptial agreement before your wedding without any willingness to compromise on the details or discuss them is sorely lacking in consideration, and is a chaotic and unsettling start to a marriage. I understand why it left you reeling, and why you felt both confused and angry. In a marital property state, in the absence of a prenup, assets are distributed in a fair and equitable manner. Inheritance is not considered marital property, so you should have no worries on that front.
“ It was not a good way to embark on a marriage and, as a tangent to your question, it’s not a good way to continue one. ”
Your prenuptial agreement should reflect that you both maintain your separate finances and assets in the event you divorce. In other words, what’s his is his and what’s yours is yours. He can’t have it both ways. According to Rowe Law Offices, “Historically, courts sometimes set aside premarital agreements when they were unreasonable; left one spouse destitute; were made without full disclosure of a spouse’s property and debt; were signed under duress or without mental capacity; were the product of fraud or misrepresentation; and so on.”
Should you amend the prenup? You can certainly create an amendment, as long as both of you are in agreement, or sign a new postnuptial contract that supersedes the original contract. But that is a question only you can answer based on what the prenup actually says, and whether your lawyer believes it is written in a way that gives you both the same financial independence post-divorce. The whole business seems messy and unpleasant. It was not a good way to embark on a marriage and, as a tangent to your question, it’s not a good way to continue one.
Certainly, something needs to change. From the little you have said, it appears to be a marriage that lacks transparency and mutual respect. You need a financial therapist, a mediator or your own counselor to examine the causes and cures of this toxic atmosphere. Starting a business should be a time of optimism and joy, not steeped in an “I’ll show you” entrepreneurial revenge fantasy. Getting married is the biggest financial decision you will make in your life, if only because of the toll divorce takes on an individual, and because you may end up taking turns supporting each other.
If this marriage ends, you should both leave with what you brought into it. Given that, the real issue here is not what happens in the event of a divorce, but everything else that comes before it.
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