There’s a lot of chatter right now about forgiveness and reconciliation. No doubt every spiritual and moral practice has their own version of what repentance and forgiveness looks like. Here’s how repentance was taught to me as a Mormon. There are specific steps: 1) Recognize and admit to yourself you did something wrong. 2) Feel sincerely sorry about it. 3) Stop doing this wrong thing. 4) Admit publicly that you did wrong — especially to people who were affected by this thing you did wrong. 5) Make restitution for the thing you did wrong.
As a kid, this all seemed very straight forward. The only step that was particularly challenging to me was Step 4, because it was embarrassing, and I have a big ego. But otherwise, the approach seemed easy enough. As an adult, it’s Step 5 that is much less straightforward. A 9 year old who stole a candy bar from her brother’s room, can simply give it back or replace it in order to make restitution. But what does making restitution look like for grown-up wrongdoings? How do you properly make restitution for cheating on your spouse? For being racist? For masturbating in front of your coworkers? (If it helps, I find the word justice is more useful to me than restitution.) To quote Levar Burton: True reconciliation and healing can only come as a result of justice being served.
As for forgiveness, I was taught that if you’ve wronged someone, you shouldn’t even think about receiving forgiveness until you’ve gone through all 5 Steps of Repentance — and even then it’s not guaranteed. It’s possible you’ve done something so wrong, that you can’t ever really complete Step 5. Only the person you’ve wronged can decide that restitution has been made or justice has been served, so it’s possible you may never earn or deserve their forgiveness.
Right now, it seems like people want forgiveness to be granted without any steps of repentance. They want forgiveness granted without admitting wrong doing, without regret, without any change in behavior, without justice. I think that’s a huge mistake. History tells us clearly that granting blanket forgiveness, without any repentance, only causes more pain and confusion and trauma; it empowers the wrongdoer to do more wrong things.
If Stephen Miller or KellyAnne Conway wants to be forgiven — wants a new position with a high profile, wants to be on TV, wants to continue to wield power, wants to be invited to parties, wants to dine out without being harassed — why would that even be considered unless we can see they have gone through all 5 Steps?
In a #metoo context, if Louis CK wants to be have his image rehabilitated, wants to start doing shows again, wants his talents to be recognized and appreciated, then he needs to go through all 5 Steps. And remember that’s for a chance at being forgiven; it’s not guaranteed. I see him trying to work again, and from what I can tell, he’s only in the Step 3-4 range. I have seen no news of him trying to bring justice for the people he hurt; trying to make restitution. Forgiveness shouldn’t even be considered until Step 5 is complete.
How do we know what justice would look like? We start by asking those hurt by the wrong doing: What Would Justice Look Like For You? And then we work backwards from there. We’ll know Louis CK has changed and is ready to be considered for forgiveness, when the people he hurt tell us justice has been served.
We can easily apply this to American history as well. Can America be forgiven for slavery when we haven’t completed all 5 Steps of Repentance? The answer is no. We’ve managed Steps 1-4 to a certain extent, but we haven’t even made an attempt at Step 5. There has been no restitution. And the longer we go without doing Step 5, the more damage we inflict. So we have to keep starting the Steps over and over again for new damage we’ve done that stems from our history of slavery — confessing to redlining, confessing to using the “War on Drugs” to criminalize Black communities, confessing to police brutality targeted toward Black people. Until we make restitution, which has to include reparations, we can’t even pretend to move toward justice and (possible) forgiveness.
How would you apply this to a MAGA friend who wants to mend the relationship? Have they gone through steps 1-4? Do they recognize what they did wrong? And how do they plan to approach step 5? How will they bring about justice or make restitution? I’m not sure what that should look like, and it may be different for each Trump Supporter and for each person they wronged. If you are the wronged party, what would feel like justice to you?
From your point of view, does it seem like what Trump Supporters are feeling now, is the same thing that Democrats felt when Trump won four years ago, or what Republicans felt when Obama was the president? I don’t believe that’s true at all. The things conservatives told me they feared about Obama — that he would take their guns, that he would force women to have abortions — were pretend. The fears were part of cult-like thinking, stemming from only taking in extreme right-wing media. When Democrats said they feared another 4 years of Trump, it was because their worst fears had come to pass — a Muslim ban, no support for Dreamers, children separated from their families, moving swiftly backwards on the global warming fight. These are very real things that really happened. It’s not the same.
Another reason why I believe it’s different: no matter if the Democrats win or lose, they are always the ones expected to do the reconciliation work. When Trump won in 2016, they were dozens, if not hundreds, of think pieces exploring how Democrats need to work harder to understand Trump Supporters. And we’re seeing the same exact messaging again, even though Trump lost. At what point are Conservatives expected to do the reconciliation work?
How are you feeling about all the forgiveness and reconciliation talk? What do you think the best path to unity would look like? Is unity even possible when so many people seem to be committed to the Trump-cult no matter how bizarre the beliefs (like QAnon)? Is unity possible if Fox News and OAN and Rush Limbaugh, are still pumping out endless propaganda?
P.S. — Here are some tweets and tweet threads related to the topic that can help further the discussion:
Worth reading this 4-tweet thread:
Worth reading this 8-tweet thread:
Worth reading this 20-tweet thread from a woman who spent the last 4 years patiently having conversations with Trump Supporters.
Worth reading this 14-tweet thread:
Worth reading this thread (and other threads she linked to):
